The Next Crossroads

Testing boundaries Endlessly. Emotions simmering.  Nerves strained, Anticipating the next challenge. Grappling for support, Entertaining independence. Running towards adulthood.

Love in my own hands Stretching, cradling. The pulse in my wrist as it beats Faster and faster Through the lines on my palm. Life lines, Worry lines, Family lines. Out through my fingers to touch the universe. Something to give away But never to keep.

My mind is glue and magazines A collage of memory. I can't help but live in the past. Thinking of mountains I didn't climb. And how you never answered me back. Ghosted. Then gone. I've been a ghost so often. Fading into walls. Unnoticed. Sometimes I think about the future. Planting ghosts before they're even gone. My present is just auto pilot. Can't glue it down. Can't decide on the right images or words. Days are too fast. I can't help but live in the past.

If I could travel back To thirteen, Would I sit with her? Would I tell her she makes it? Or would I just stare Dumbfounded. Wondering how she did.

One of the prompts from last month was to write a poem around lyrics from a new to you song.  I've chosen to quote a new Taylor Swift song, Down Bad, for this one.  The song is a new favorite. I'm used to surviving by standing still Let the earth shake Let the lions taunt me. If I don't run. If I don't fight back. I will still be here tomorrow. I've been stronger before But that wasn't me. Now I stalk that memory. Did you take all my old clothes? I used to pull off boi. Cutting up dresses  And my arms  Bare  Just over the muscle. It helped me cope With pictures of you In the hospital  After what they did to you. But that wasn't yesterday. I don't tape my chest anymore I had to go. Just to leave me here naked and alone. Standing still again. In a field in my same old town. Wish I could say I'm different now. That I could inspire you I just go through each day. I just stand still. That somehow seems so hollow now.

 Mud splatters sideways Amber sun shines through a cold wind. Young flowers spread blooms.

 I won't put on an act for you, Saying words I don't mean. I mostly feel numb, Uncertain. I wake up and I wonder Why I don't shine. But I do for some. Our little son Thinks I am everything. Tells us every day. "I love you". And as I leave for work, Even our teenager tells me. Is how you love me enough? If I can't love myself? I don't know the answer But through everything We try to be there  For each other.